


I loved and I loved...

by grievingcain



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, POV Second Person, Teacher-Student Relationship, This is NOT Shotacon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 13:44:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11082792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grievingcain/pseuds/grievingcain
Summary: A view on how Shouyou looked at Takasugi through the Shoka Sonjuku years.





	I loved and I loved...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Selyann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selyann/gifts).



> Here's a polemic rarepair, enjoy it if it's your thing.
> 
> Especially for Selyann because no one loves this ship more than her. ♥ I hope you like it at least a little ~
> 
> Title stolen from "Hurts Like Hell" by Fleurie. It's a perfect song for this ship if you ask me.

When you first met him, Shinsuke was 11. Just a lost child precociously trying to find his place in the world. He had fierce eyes, you thought. The eyes of someone who didn’t like to lose, didn’t accept to lose, someone who would fight to death for his beliefs. His eyes reminded you of Gintoki’s, but at the same time there was something different. Maybe it was just the color. Right there you knew he was meant to be strong. You also knew he was meant to suffer. You wanted him to become your student.

 

When he was 12, he had already been your student for almost a year. Some of your other students – the surprisingly handful you gathered in the past 10 months – were already starting to think about girls, to look at women on the streets. Gintoki seemed too bored to care, Kotaro tried to pretend he didn’t, and Shinsuke was too busy focusing on your lessons and training with his sword, too busy thinking about fighting Gintoki and finding his own path, to worry about frivolous things like women.

 

It wasn’t until he was 13, almost 14, that you noticed the small changes. He was still a diligent student, as he always would be, but he was becoming a man. It wasn’t a surprise when you noticed him stealing glances at other men. That’s fine, you thought, he’s figuring himself out. You thought for a moment that maybe he could be fooled by an older man, but you knew he wasn’t that stupid.

His interest seemed to lie somewhere else, somewhere closer. He looked at Kotaro a lot, and seemed to love playing with his hair whenever he had the chance, which was often during break time when he got the other boy to lay with his head on his lap. You wondered if there were mutual feelings between them. And then one day you got a very angry man at your doorstep yelling at you because one of your students has been trying to flirt with his wife.

 

But when Shinsuke was a little older than 14, you realized why he seemed to be interested in Kotaro: it was a way to hide the real target of his affections. But he started to drop the act. He left Kotaro alone more often, and approached you more often. He stole glances at you whenever he thought you weren’t looking. He liked to sit next to you, close enough for your arms to brush. He always offered to wash your back in the public bath but he never let you wash his.

However, it wasn’t until you heard his voice – faltering between high pitched and deep – moaning your name when he was alone in his room, that you stopped trying to convince yourself you were imagining things.

Curiosity got the best of you that day, and you peeked inside to confirm what you already knew. His face was red and sweaty and he had his hand around himself. You walked away just as fast as you arrived, leaving the young man alone in his moment of privacy. You hated the wave of excitement running through your body.

 

At 15 he was so obvious it hurt to pretend you didn’t know and didn’t feel anything. He was still short and you thought he was yet to reach his growth spurt, but he looked less like a boy and more like a man every passing day. He tried his best to stay alone with you at night, but at some point you started to avoid him to stop his advances because his intentions were pristine clear, and you shouldn’t be having the kind of thoughts you were having. You shouldn’t be looking at your student the way you were. You shouldn’t have been hoping for a day he would take enough courage to jump on you and _leave you without option of refusing him_.

 

When he was 16 neither of you knew he would be going to war in just a few days. You just sat by his side while he told you all the boys – except for Kotaro, who was probably doing something questionable again – were planning to go together to the brothel. He was hesitating, saying he wasn’t sure if he should go.

You wanted to tell him to stay. To enjoy the night alone with you, to let you be the one to lay with him and _teach_ him about those pleasures, to let him know for the first time how it feels to embrace and be embraced.

But you couldn’t. It was wrong in many ways and you wouldn’t know how to react the next day. You didn’t want to risk hurting him more than you had to.

You told him to go and enjoy himself, maybe he would find a woman he liked. He told you he didn’t like women and you told him trying wouldn’t hurt.

He walked away, and you were left alone feeling simultaneously relieved and full of regret. You were ready to spend your night drinking alone, thinking about how unexpectedly weak you were for falling in love with a teenager when you yourself had no idea how old you were. But he was back in less than 30 minutes and you noticed those fierce eyes of someone who didn’t like to lose drilling holes through your body.

He was so fast to straddle your lap and shove his tongue inside your mouth you didn’t even have the time to be surprised before you had your arms around his waist.

You barely could convince him to follow you to your room instead of continuing making out in the balcony where everyone would be able to see.

There were still traits of common sense in the back of your mind telling you to stop, but for once you just shut it down.

You lied with him again and again until he was too tired to continue and you let him fall asleep with his head on your chest, an arm around your waist and a leg on top of yours. You fell asleep with him in your arms after spending a long time watching his peaceful sleeping face, feeling like you could watch him like that for the next 100 years, and trying not to think about the future.

But to your surprise the next few days passed as normally as they could, the only difference being the light red on his face whenever he looked at you and the sheepish smile he showed whenever you looked at him.

A few days later you were captured and he went to fight in the war together with your other students, to fight for his beliefs and to rescue you.

 

The last time you saw Shinsuke, he was already 18. You didn’t have the best view, with him tied down on the ground with blood and tears on his face, but you were glad you could see him one last time. He was already a fully grown man and his voice was deep as he yelled at Gintoki, asking, _begging_ him to stop, to not do what he was about to do.

 

Seconds later your life ended.

Hours later it began again.

But you weren’t the same anymore and neither were your feelings. It was time to go back to what you were before you met him. Before you met all of them.

Somewhere deep inside you hoped he had the strength to continue without you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading~


End file.
